Welcome to Beyond Stability, where psychiatrist, social scientist and humanitarian adviser Dr. Suzan Song shares reflections about how we think, decide, and partner during uncertain times to find a sense of groundedness and joy.
Competence is one of the most rewarded traits in modern life. But it’s also one of the most fragile foundations for identity.
From early on, most of us are rewarded for being capable—performing well, solving problems, achieving goals, staying composed under pressure. Over time, competence doesn’t just become something we do. It becomes who we are.
When that trajectory is interrupted in ways we can’t control, through unexpected life stressors like parents or children with new medical diagnoses, layoffs at our firms, or global events out of our control, the loss isn’t only external. For many, what is most disorienting is what happens internally.
Across people operating at a high level—parents, clinicians, and leaders—the habits that drive success are powerful: overriding fear, compartmentalizing, sustaining performance and solving problems under pressure. These are adaptive skills.
But over time, they can also narrow a life.
When your steadiness depends on performing well, disruptions can feel destabilizing. A job loss doesn’t just threaten your income; it unsettles your identity. A public failure doesn’t just bruise your reputation; it shakes your self-worth. A struggling child, a health scare, a stalled project—these begin to feel existential instead of situational.
People often respond by doubling down. We try to strategize more, ruminate about hypothetical or counterfactual scenarios, try to gather more and more information as we we engage in hypervigilance or attempt to think our way back to stability. Operationally, sometimes that works. But psychologically, not so much.
When too much of your sense of self is organized around being competent—the one who knows what to do, solves problems, is always able to perform—there isn’t enough underneath to absorb life’s challenges.
Stable identities have more than one anchor. They are built on roles, relationships, and ways of being that aren’t entirely contingent on performance. Because rupture can’t be avoided through more competence—life will inevitablly throw challenge at us.
What’s left when your ability to perform is no longer enough? When the rupture is so deep that it overloads your capacity to manage, solve, or push through?
In these moments, feeling grounded comes from having somewhere where you aren’t required to hold everything on your own. Where you can safely fall apart and still be whole.
Notes & Invitations
Why We Suffer and How We Heal (Penguin, 2026) explores how to find grounding and ease during instability, drawing on science, clinical experience and real-world cases.
San Francisco, CA — Author talk
📅 April 19 @ 4pm | 📍 Manny’s SF (tickets required)
Free Guide on developing your own Three Friends of Winter Circles here
You can find occasional longer reflections, media, and event information at www.suzansong.com
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